I have been doing a bit of inward looking this week... and by inward looking I think I actually mean reviewing! Because of the stuff I have been doing this week I have been putting certain affairs into order (just in case don't panic!) and this has set me off thinking where things have gone wrong in my life, and I'm going to share my little mental list with you...
- I take a lot of shit from people for the sake of "being nice"
- I don't put myself first when I really should do sometimes
- Work is slowly eating my life more and more
- I need to make further progress with my officer candidature
- I need to be emotionally braver
- I need to pay more attention when people ask me (repetitively) if something is wrong
- I should really let people listen when they offer to listen to my problems, not just keep them to myself
- I swear... a lot!
- I expect better standards from myself than I expect from anyone else I know
- I really need to MTFU and tell someone exactly how I feel, not only do I need to MTFU to them, I really need to MTFU with myself.
I know this is only 10 (there are a hell of a lot more) but you get the idea of the calibre of issue I am looking at here, I am talking self-improvement not "Oohh I should have done better at school" kind of stuff.
To be honest I am doing quite well at solving these problems too...
- Don't stop being nice, but don't be a doormat either
- Look after myself a lot more
- Become less adsorbed in work
- I gave my DO a kick up the ass
- Working on that one... watch this space
- I will ask people what they think is wrong, and if they are right...
- I will actually tell them about it, not just keep it to my self
- I will control myself (See the end of this post)
- I really have to give myself a break
You'll notice 10 is blank... and it is blank for a reason;
I have reached, or put myself in, a very arkward status-quo... There is someone who I like, very much, and she means a great deal to me. She is one of the best friends a guy could ask for, and I would, very willingly, move Heaven and Earth for her. The thing is, I have been hurt by her before, so I have put barriers up. Not only in my mind, but in my heart and in my life. Recently I think my feelings for her have changed, but I will not admit it to myself. Not only am I scared of loosing her as a friend, just in case I freak her out, but I am scared of really getting hurt again. Last time I got hurt it didn't leave me in a good place at all and I don't wanna go through all that again.
But most importantly, I don't wanna loose her out of my life. We are really good friends and if that's how things have to stay, if that is how things have to be in this life, then so be it, I am just happy to have her in my life. Unfortunately that is how life is, and it is out of my hands, and actually that is the bit that scares me the most...
The bit where I have nothing to do with it, the bit where I could end my days never being able to tell her how I feel, the bit where I can not even influence the outcome of anything.
I know she will probably read this, which will make everything I say completely irrelevant, and that scares me a lot too, but I need to be braver, especially with myself... and I suppose I gotta start somewhere, I just hope my next post can still be a happy one...
With knots in the stomach and doubts in the head
Bored Matlot
P.S. Oh yeah, about point 8 (the swearing), I know I completely missed lent, but I have decided that come Easter I am going to try to stop it completely for a period as long as lent, I have to try it, even if i fail! This is going to be a VERY long 45 days...
